Every day I encounter people who say things like “Choose to be happy!”, or “Surround yourself with positive people and you will be positive too!” I often want to throat punch these people. Maybe normal people can paste on a smile and hang out with friends and instantly everything is better, but for the millions of us who suffer from mental health disorders, that’s about as feasible as me winning a Grammy for my drunken karaoke rendition of ‘Tainted Love’.
Some writers bemoan the internet and how it’s a cacophony of voices all clamoring for attention. I find it freeing in the sense that A. no one is reading this and B. no one I know is reading this, so it’s easier for me to just be honest. The honest truth is I suffer from Depression. And not the ‘I’m having a bad couple of weeks and life is so unfair’ depression, but the ‘If I make it through a single day without thinking of killing myself’, I call that day a success. I don’t often express those thoughts to the people in my life because I know it makes them sad and it’s really not their responsibility to cheer me up. Also, they tend to offer me bits of wisdom and inspiration that just makes me want to light them on fire. I know they care, but it’s not anything they can help with other than reminding me I would be missed if I weren’t here.
I love those people. I can think of at least 5 people who for sure would miss me if I did give up and kill myself. A couple even know to check in on me periodically because they know when my depression flares up (yes, that’s a real thing) that I won’t reach out. “But Lisa, if you just reached out, you could get so much help and support!” you say, but the truth is so much darker than that. Believe it or not, there are a lot of people who live by the motto, “I will only surround myself with positive people because sad people are such downers!” I know, big shocker. You might even be one of them and not even know it! It would seem like such a harmless motto, meant to inspire happiness and joy, but what they don’t realize is that their chipper little ditty is out and out saying, “If you have a mental illness that makes you sad and a general bummer to be around, I don’t want you in my life.” Yes, that’s EXACTLY what it’s saying. Approximately 14.8 million American adults suffer from Persistent Depressive Disorder (PDD), and that’s just one flavor of the illness. (For those of you who like facts, http://www.adaa.org/about-adaa/press-room/facts-statistics)
I’ve put 3 calls into my local mental health facility for new patient intake. I’m on anti-depressants and have been most of my life. I was diagnosed with depression at the tender age of 10, before I had the chance to figure out who I was, so in many ways, being depressed is actually my personality; it’s the only constant I’ve ever had in my life. I know most people mean well, but in reality, most people understand so little about mental illness, they actually make it worse. Take Robin Williams, for example. When he committed suicide, the internet was full of memes about not letting the darkness take you, and if you need help call this number, blah, blah, blah. But for someone who struggled with depression his whole life, I’m inspired simply by the fact that he made it to 62 (I think that was his age? I’m not Googling it, so sorry if I’m wrong). I take comfort knowing that I’ve made it all the way to 32, so internet, please take your memes and shove them up your collective, inspirational, sunshiny asses.
Depression manifests in different ways for different people. Unless you’re close to me, you probably just think I’m rude and mean. I’m often accused of not putting enough effort into being happy and not trying hard enough. What those people don’t understand is that I’m literally fighting to stay alive Every. Single. Day. It takes me a really long time to finish a novel because I’m too sad to do much more than stare out a window most days. Just getting out of bed and driving to work and staying there an entire day is an extraordinary feat for me that most people take for granted. This is often mistaken for laziness, but unless you know what it’s like to have a voice in your head telling you that you are a worthless piece of shit who doesn’t deserve the air you breathe and the whole world is better off without you and the reason that new person who you thought liked you and used to call you every day just dropped you like a sack of cockroaches is because you’re fat and ugly and undeserving of love. Yeah, that’s my head all the time. I don’t have low self-esteem, at least not in the classic sense, I have a fucking demon inside telling me I don’t deserve to live and unless you know what that feels like, sit your ass down and stop telling me to get over it.
I digress. Of course there are highs and lows. Sometimes I’m kinda happy, and I make jokes and go places and laugh. Sometimes I meet someone who makes me smile when I see their name on my caller ID or they send me a cute pic. Of course, as is life, when that stops, the merry-go-round stops and life returns to a ‘Silent Hill-esque’ landscape. I think the point I’m trying to make is if you know someone like me, or meet someone like me, don’t assume they’re just being a Debbie Downer and don’t kick them out of your life because they aren’t positive enough, and for the love of all things holy, never tell them to cheer up. Just be there. Text them Good Morning. Send them a cute animal meme. Always ask them if they want to be included in activities, but don’t stop asking if they always say no. We need to be asked. We need to know that even though we don’t think we deserve to live, that you do. Don’t pry and don’t tell us it’s going to be ok. Remind us how brave we are for still fighting to stay alive, even though our battles can’t be seen on the outside because I guarantee you, right now, there is someone you know who is struggling with depression and wanting to kill themselves. Maybe you make a difference, maybe you don’t. What matters is that you treated them with kindness, compassion and love because what it comes down to, is that sad people need love a hell of a lot more than happy people. Only loving happy and positive people is like a Doctor who only treats healthy patients.
Now, stop reading and go hug a sad person. You might end up being the thing they needed to get through another day.
misadventuresinreality 