Are Any of Us Actually Good People?

As I get older, I find I spend more time observing people and trying to get to the root of what makes them tick.  Although, that could just be the writer in me.  While doing this can be a fun and enlightening pursuit, it can also be dark and hard to watch.

 

I’ve found that the ruler of judgment we use to base our opinions and observations against is generally ourselves. “She’s prettier than me because…” or “He’s a better person because…” etc.  This is also true when we see the bad sides of someone else and use that to gauge our own inherent “goodness”.

 

From my experience, I find the best people are usually the ones who have no idea they’re good people.  They don’t tell others how great they are due to their good deeds; they do them because they feel they are the right thing to do and when you feel that way, you don’t generally need to be acknowledged; it’s just what you do.  If you perform a good or generous act for the praise you will receive, does that really make it that good of deed if you’re doing it for selfish reasons?

 

Of course, we could use that to apply to almost everyone who does nice things for others.  They do it because “it feels good to give back”, which is inherently a selfish reason, making the act selfish.  But does it really matter what the motivation is, as long as the outcome is a positive contribution?  I don’t think it really does.

 

Where it does matter, is how you treat other people.  I consider myself relatively introverted and shy, which makes it difficult for me to participate in conversations in group settings, so I spend that time watching those around me.  I see the ones who are genuine and caring to everyone they meet, even if they think no one is watching.  I see the ones who are nice to people in order to obtain something they want, even if they don’t think anyone can tell; oh, we can tell.  I also see the ones who hide arrogance behind thinly veiled interest and caring, and those are the one I find most fascinating.  I’ve never been able to tell if those people understand that no one is fooled or they just genuinely don’t care.  Is that a Sociopath or a Narcissist?  I never really could decipher between the two.

 

The truly caring and genuine are absolutely my favorite and my least favorite.  I love how they don’t ever appear manipulative or as though they are acting like my cats do when they want something; sweet and loving. (Yes, my cats always get treats out of me with this behavior, but that’s a whole different story.)  The paranoia in me immediately assumes they want something and I will dig and dig until I find it.  This will usually upset them and they often walk away from me, but I think what they don’t understand is that so many people are so used to being mistreated, we automatically assume everyone is going to follow that pattern.

 

Without sugar coating or going into detail, I’ve been through some shit.  I’ve encountered all different types of individuals and I’ve fallen into some very conniving and nefarious mental and emotional traps.  I’ve been manipulated more times than I care to count, which is ironic considering how many psychologists and counselors have accused me of being manipulative throughout my life.  I think that’s why I’m more prone to fall for those types of traps; I know I am manipulative and the arrogance in me always believes I’m so good there’s no way I’ll fall for anyone else’s bullshit.

Oh, but that is wrong; so very, very wrong, as evident by my entire life.  Now, the problem is no longer that I don’t see it; it’s that I see it and I’m not sure how to react.  Do you call them out?  What good would that do?  Whenever someone tried to call me out I got defensive and thought they were just mean and cut them out of my life.  But if you don’t say something, is that the same and saying it’s ok for them to treat you inhumanely?  At what point do you draw that line and explain to them the detrimental effect their actions have on you or just walk away without a word?

 

If you walk away, how will they ever understand how warped their own sense of self is, but then again, would they even listen?  I never did.  I was lucky enough to stop and take a closer look at how I treated those around me and see that it was harmful and I hated myself for hurting them.  I still hate myself for many of the choices I’ve made in my life and the people I’ve wronged, and it seems logical that everyone else experiences that, but they don’t, do they?  Not everyone has that moment of clarity that brings kindness, which to me is the saddest face of humanity.

 

 

 

Nothing Stays Buried Forever.

Squirrels are good for some things…

There’s very few words in the English language that cause me to do much more than raise an eyebrow, but the one that bothers me the most is Rape.  It didn’t used to bother me in that manner; it used to be a sad thing that happened to girls who put themselves in dangerous situations and that would never be me.

Until it was me.  I don’t like to talk about it and I buried it so fast after the fact I didn’t even realize how much it had affected me until very recently.  For whatever reason, I keep coming across more and more articles about how common rape really has been and how few victims ever bother seeking justice from the legal system.  Most of that is because it’s so incredibly hard to make a rape charge stick and the victim ends up going through more emotional trauma than the attack probably left, so we move on.  Or worse; we make excuses for our attacker.  I’ve spent years blaming the alcohol and the fact that I am essentially, a very flirty drunk.  I also blacked out for most of the evening so who even knows what really transpired, right?

Well, turns out that you can justify it away as much as you want and move on with your life, and if you’re lucky, you do move on with your life and continue to have happy, healthy relationships.  Turns out I am not that lucky.  This isn’t something I like to talk about, or even want to talk about, but it’s entirely relevant to point, so here goes:

I have not been able to maintain a healthy sexual relationship since I was raped.  Even just admitting to myself that I was raped is foreign; like when you say a word too many times and it starts to lose its meaning?  But then crossing all the dots and realizing that I have to be drunk in order to have sex makes it that much harder to accept.  I would think it would be opposite; that I wouldn’t be able to have sex unless I was stone sober, but apparently assumptions are still completely useless.

My assault happened 6 years ago and I am just now starting to deal with what happened.  I’ve had relationships over the years since then, but to be completely honest, sex was always really hard for me.  And then a year ago, I just stopped completely.  Even now, the idea of being intimate with someone else is terrifying.  You’d probably ask, “Why now? If you’ve had relationships since then, why now has it become difficult?” Well, I stopped drinking.  Now, I still drink occasionally, but I’ve definitely hung up my party girl tiara and put down the Rum.  As a result, I now have to face my fears sober and anyone who’s ever had to sober up off of any substance knows just how incredibly scary and hard that is.  No one wants to really look at themselves and see the damage and the weakness.  We want to see ourselves as survivors, and that’s what most rape victims are doing; they aren’t calling themselves victims anymore, but survivors.

I think that’s great and empowering, but when you think about it, isn’t that just another way to justify the emotional and possible physical trauma you’ve been put through so you can get on with your life?  I am a survivor.  I survived domestic abuse, homelessness, childhood molestation, meth addiction and chronic depression that have resulted in more than one suicide attempt since the age of 10.  Now I get to add rape to the list of things I’ve survived?  I’m starting to wonder if life isn’t really about finding happiness and fulfilling dreams, but surviving the monsters that have been hiding under our beds this whole time that we’ve forgotten about.

The good news is that rape in general is on the decline, mostly due to the open conversations and willingness to take accountability for our actions and obtain consent before alcohol gets involved.  There are articles that will support those statements and you can read about them here, and here.

The point is, if it’s happened to you, don’t try to justify it.  You don’t have to go through the justice system, but don’t make excuses and push it under a rug.  Rugs have a funny way of getting shifted as things come and go in our lives and the dirt can’t be hidden forever.  Get help, talk to someone, and work through it so you don’t end up a lonely cat lady scared of sex.